Today I was reading a lot of my old posts. And it got me thinking about who I am as a person. A lot of it mainly is about my grandpa that I lost a bit over a year ago. I still miss him a lot and sometimes songs or movies or even browsing Reddit reminds me of him. It hits you when you least expect. Some days really are still harder than they were before, but I don't feel there is anything wrong with that. In my own way I am still grieving and that makes me look back over who I have become over the last year.
In many ways I hope that I am continuing his legacy. Have I really tried to be a better person and be more like him or have I digressed? Although, that is something we all struggle with or at least should. We can't always be perfect. We can't always understand where others are coming from and even though we have good intentions we may cause more harm than actual good.
This week I was watching a tv series I watch pretty regularly and the character seemed to be having a similar struggle I am having with myself right now. He went to the Waterfall of Truth and confronted his inner self he had hid away and tried to forget. In the show his inner self was full of hate and disgust, and he couldn't believe this was who he was deep down. He had thought that part of him had disappeared.
At times I believe I have gotten rid of a lot of the hate I have had for certain things or people, but I feel as of lately I have let hate control me too much. So as I continue letting things fester I become more and more angry. Some say that is because Christ or God is no longer in my life, but I don't believe so. It really is just a personal choice. No one forced me to be angry. No one took something away from me to make me angry. I made the choice to let it get under my skin.
It's like my old self was waiting for the chance to be fed again. And it's not something I can bottle up again. I can't hide him. I have found that if all I do is bottle things up or hide it when that part of me receives the fuel it needs it consumes who I really want to become.
So as I continue with my own self progression I will learn to be one with myself that I have hidden. Learn to love him to turn away the anger that is inside me. I know it is much easier said than done and it may never fully happen, but as I look more into who I am and who I want to become I see more and more of my Grandpa than I can ever imagine. Somehow he figured it out within his 88 year life span and that is what I will strive to be like. I will strive to once again work on continuing his legacy that he left for me.