A Grieving Atheist

A little over a week ago I lost my grandfather. He was a kind and amazing man. It has been hard, as it is with anyone with death, but I wouldn't say it's harder for me than a believer. Over the past week I have had many people come to me with advice thinking it would "help" me. I have also had a lot of people coming to me thinking that through this loss I will turn back to God and they try to give me advice to help guide me back to God.

To me personally I don't see how believing in an afterlife is going to help you get over a loss. It doesn't take away the pain. To me it is just a pacifier for adults. We are meant to show our emotions and through showing them we become stronger, not suppressing them because some guy in the sky promises that you will see him again. It angers me how in religion there is only one emotion: happiness. I don't see how by believing in a God that everything is ok. It doesn't take away the pain you feel. It doesn't just lift your sorrow away. It is a way of not having to deal with the pain and the reality of death.

I don't believe in any afterlife. I don't believe that I will ever see my grandfather again, but I believe he lives on through me and others. Through the people he touched and changed for the better. I believe through showing our grief we are showing our true respect for the dear friend or relative that we have lost. That is what I see when I think back on my grandfather. Just because I will never see him again does mean that I can't celebrate him. I believe in celebrating their lives and having true grief we are glorifying those we lose. We are turning them into the legends they were. They do not have to be forgotten or put on a shelf for later. They were there to inspire us and that is what my grandfather did for me.

He taught me to see the good in people. He taught me not to judge others just because of what religion they are a part or what color of skin they have. He taught me to look into people's hearts and look at their true selves before deciding on what that person is like. He taught me hard work. He taught me how to laugh and joke. He taught me how to help others. He taught me to give of myself. He taught me how to have a good time. He taught me how to love. These are the things I will pass on of my grandfather. These are the ways he will live through me. I will become my own legend to others as Louis Pete LeDuc was to those that he touched in his life.

We can eventually be happy and makes things better, but the way to do so is through our memories of those who have passed away. Live your life better through the good things you learned from those that have touched your life.

You made me a better man, Grandpa LeDuc. I will continue your legacy.

Tribute to a Hero

Louis Pete LeDuc may not have been famous in the world. He may not have been a hero to many, but to the lives he touched he was more than a hero. His type of hero came in many names: soldier, father, son, brother, uncle, and grandfather. Which in my opinion are some of the highest honors one can have.

He was kind and gentle. He always had a smile on his face. He never turned down a chance to be with family. These are things I remember from visiting his home. It was always warm and inviting. The bowl of candy was never empty and neither were our pockets. He would always remind us to "fill our pockets!" Followed shortly by grandma yelling at us to "only take one!" Which always brought a smirk of mischief to his face and very low chuckle so that grandma could not hear or see it, but he always made sure we could see it so we knew that we really could "fill our pockets." I am always reminded by my fiance that I get my boyish attributes from my grandpa and that by meeting him she understands why I tease so much.

As kids, as all kids do, we annoyed grandma with our incessant running around or making the dog go crazy with our antics and that's when grandpa stepped in. He knew exactly how to handle us. He knew what to do to keep us busy. I think that comes from the fact that he never lost his boyish attitude about life. He was always laid back. He was the type to always take things easy. Now that doesn't mean he wasn't a hard worker, because he worked harder than most people I know. But he knew how to enjoy life at the same time.

During the summer he would take us out to his garden. Which was huge. It had all sorts of vegetables and fruits. From green peppers to tomatoes to cantaloupe to lemon cucumbers. He would teach us how to properly pick them and how to tell when they were ripe. After this he would bring us inside and serve us the delicious fruits and vegetables that he had toiled over all summer. He taught us that through the work of caring for the garden properly you can have a bounteous harvest of the best produce money can't buy, but what is purchased through hard work and sweat.

A few times after a hard afternoon of work in the garden he would take us to the movies. One such occasion sticks in my memory from when I was about five years old and he took me and my sister to Oliver and Company. Before the movie he took us to the candy store. He let us have free reign on whatever we wanted. I remember going up to him with a bag half full of candy and he told me, "now are you sure that is all you want? You're not with mom and dad you're with grandpa! Get enough to fill your pockets." I ran away excited. Other than on the holidays I had never had so much candy in one day. It was like Halloween or Christmas all over again. He then took us to the movie and bought us soda and popcorn! What a treat! I couldn't believe it and of course when we back to his house all hyped on sugar grandma was in a fit and he just smiled with that boyish grin back at her.

As the years went on we started to do more grown up things together. We would watch football together. He was probably one of the biggest BYU fans there was. (I'm sure it killed him a little inside that I was a Utes fan.) He taught me how to correctly tie a fish hook to a line and properly bait a hook; as I was starting to fish I had these questions. And he told me about how he served in World War II.

His stories were compelling. Him going on the B-24 Liberators as the top turret gunner. The danger and peril he faced every day. Kicking the bombs out if they were stuck because he was the closest to the bombing bay in the plane. Fearing for his life while having to take down others as they came at him. He said he always felt bad for having to kill people, but knew he had to do it to rid the world of the evil he was facing and fighting for freedom.

While I was living in France I was able to speak with a lot of the older people; who remembered the war. They thanked me as an American for what we had done for their freedom. I told them, "I will tell my grandfather thank you for you. He served in the great war and risked his life for you. He will appreciate this." We would always stand shaking each others hands in tears for the sincere thanks they gave him through me.

I will always remember the day I came home and told him personally of the many people that thanked me for what he did and how I told them I would tell him personally. We both started to cry. He knew people appreciated him, but he was probably never told by many that were as sincere as the people I had come in contact with.

But the one thing I will miss most about my Grandfather was his support for me. He never wavered. He didn't care about my religious beliefs. He never once made me feel that he felt any different about me in any way. He only cared about who I was inside. To him all that mattered was that you were a good person inside and he knew religion did not dictate that. He always told me to follow my dreams, to not give up, and to do what I knew was best for me in my heart. In many ways he was one of the most supportive people in my life.

This goes out to you Grandpa LeDuc. You will be missed, always loved, and never forgotten...

State of Deseret, Land of Theocracy

So just a little bit of history of where the State of Deseret comes from. Way back in the 1800s when the Mormons settled the now state of Utah, they originally wanted to name it the State of Deseret. There is even a hymn about it (I apologize for the version, it was the only one I could find):

They proposed the state name and applied for statehood and were rejected several times before finally succeeding in 1896. So as I mention State of Deseret remember I am just referring to what the Mormons would want the state to be called.

Today's blog stems from an article I read today in the Salt Lake Tribune. Would LDS Church Influence Romney if President? If you care to read the article here it is:

http://www.sltrib.com/sltrib/home2/53185712-183/church-lds-romney-hatch.html.csp

I thought about this awhile and came to the conclusion I believe the faith would influence Romney quite heavily. In the article several times it quotes Romney saying he wouldn't let the leaders of his faith sway him in any way, but then why does he want to completely get rid of gay rights? Why does he want to make it so no more people that are LGBT have their human rights taken away from them? When you think about it he did say he didn't like that he allowed pro-choice and gay civil marriages in the state of Massachusetts while he was governor for four years, because he said:

“I believe that in our state allowing the sale of alcohol on Sunday is good for the consumer and therefore I didn’t oppose it. That isn’t saying that I disagree with my church. I simply did what I thought was in the best interest of the state, which I was elected to serve.”

But that brings up another point. If he was so interested in the common will of the state of Massachusetts why is it that he is now opposed now to what the majority wants? I understand that the majority of Republicans are against women's rights and equal rights, but the national majority wants both. So why fight against it so hard? They will be left on the wrong side of history just as they were with the Women's Suffrage and Civil Rights. Which brings me back to Utah. Are our politicians really doing what the majority of the State wants? I flat out declare: NO! Not by a long shot.

Now I hear the naysayers saying this is a Mormon State, but is it really anymore? I have read several articles and seen several polls where the percentage of Mormon in the State of Deseret ranges anywhere from 53% at the lowest to 58% at the highest. Now you say there, the majority is Mormon, but I still say no it's not. I would put it more around 40% at the highest of people who are actually Mormon and go to Church 75% of the time. It would drop even lower if you only counted the staunch Mormons that go to Church every week and regularly attend the temple. Technically I am still counted in the overall Mormon percentage because I have yet to remove my name from the church records (another story for another time).

When you think of all the inactive Mormons, Jack Mormons and less active Mormons in the state do our politicians really speak for the majority? Again I say no. I am fed up, as are all the others just like me living in this state having to be controlled by a complete theocracy. Too many times I have read news articles where politicians have blatantly admitted that they were waiting for the Faith's stance on a certain law before they say whether or not they want to back it.

I am always speaking what I have to say. I write my politicians on a regular basis and I am on The Salt Lake Tribune weekly voicing my comments as LeDuc64. But alas it is to no avail. Yes we do have some democrats out there, few and far between. We do have some that really listen to the majority, John Huntsman (one of the few Mormons that doesn't really listen to the theocracy). He is responsible for changing our liquor laws so we don't have private bars anymore. Unfortunately Waddoups is trying to destroy that yet again.

So I say to these Mormons where is Agency? Where is Jesus in your politics? Did Jesus really care? Did he have anything to say? Well he did actually Mark 12:17 "Give to Caesar what belongs to Caesar, and give to God what belongs to God." The Mormons preach day and night about agency, but they don't follow it. They want to control everything they can. Which is taught to be Satan's plan.

I ask the politicians of Utah: Who are you following, Satan or Jesus?

Agency is the greatest gift of God...

Monday night, November 7th, I had the opportunity of attending Standing on Ceremony: The Gay Marriage Plays. It was a reading of 11 different short plays that were done simultaneously in 44 different theatres in America, Canada, and Australia. Before the readings they had a short live feed from New York on Broadway explaining a little about what these were about. Then the plays were read in each city. After the readings they had an open mic discussion with some of the writers in New York where you were able to send your questions to them via Twitter and they would answer them. It was a really neat experience. Most of plays were very comedic and really funny. There were a few, that I will admit, brought me to tears, they were very touching. Which got me thinking why do people fight gay rights so much? Especially the LDS faith I once attended.

All through my life I was taught and preached to about agency. Which according to the faith is the greatest gift of God. Meaning that we are free to choose how we want to live and punished accordingly. We are not forced to do anything we shouldn't because that was Satan's plan. So why do they fight so much to control that which is not what they believe? This is one of the big reasons that pushed me out of the faith. I couldn't stand the hate and fight they had with Prop 8 in California. The leaders of the faith asked members to donate their time and means to help fight Prop 8. Bishops went to homes of faithful members and personally asked them to donate money and waited for them to give them that money.

I couldn't abide by their stance anymore. I couldn't support the hate and this was when I first really stopped going to church. I felt more hate in my heart from the faith than ever before. And so I started asking questions; Why does it have to matter who you can and can't marry? Why is everyone so afraid of something that is different from themselves? Why was there so much hate in a religion that preaches love? I had to leave. The feelings I had were hurtful not only to me, but to others. And to see so many of my "friends" testify of the evils of homosexuality and to see that hate burn in their eyes turned me away. It was truly awful.

I started looking into it. I found more and more scientific evidence proving being a homosexual is not a choice and proving there is nothing unnatural about it. Many other animal species have homosexuality as well. And when you look at it, it is evolution. When you have an over population of a certain animal you will see homosexuality greatly increase. It's a way for mother nature to control populations. With 7 Billion people now on the planet it is not surprising that there are more and more homosexuals than ever before. So why shun them? Why hate them? Aren't they in a way ahead of us in an evolutionary stand point? Aren't they helping us and the planet?

Which brings me back to my original point. I believe everyone should have the right to marry who they love, LGBT or straight. We're all human. We all deserve the same basic rights. No one is better than anyone else. The hate the LDS faith and the Catholic church showed in their fight of Prop 8 is wrong. Jesus taught love everyone so why do they purposefully fight against those that are different?

That is one point that has always plagued my mind. That is one of the big issues I had with the LDS faith. They don't preach love. They don't preach harmony and temperance. And they certainly don't follow what they preach about agency. They are a faith of hate, just like every other religion I have studied. You are taught to think less of those that think different of you. You are taught that they cannot be truly happy without having the LDS gospel in their lives. The LDS faith teaches they are the one and only true church on the face of the planet. That if you are not part of this church in this life or the next you will forever be banned from heaven. That you will never live in the presence of God. I thought God was merciful, kind and forgiving. He/she/it isn't jealous, hateful, and unforgiving.

So I started to reach out. I found my own answers. I fought against them because it isn't about who you hate or you persecute or tear down that gets you to heaven, if there was a heaven (at least at that time I thought heaven may still exist). Heaven is for those that help one another. Treat others with kindness and fairness. Those that lift up one another and not tear them down. Just because someone is different does not mean that you make them feel unworthy and rejected.

So I stand with my friends and everyone else out there who is fighting the oppression. You are not alone. You have me as your ally and I will do all I can to make sure you have the right to marry who you want and to be yourself without receiving harm. You are wonderful and don't ever forget that. Keep fighting because one day we will win.

The tides are changing, slowly, but they are changing...

How am I not myself?

As I discussed in an earlier blog, I spoke as if I was suffocating my inner self. He was begging and pleading to be let out. Me repressing him and building those walls around him was hurting me more than I thought and I had to help him take down those walls within myself.

I was complacent for so long that it just became second nature to continue to pretend to be someone else; to continue to wear the mask. It was easier to pretend to be who I wasn’t just to make my family and friends happy, but it tore me up inside. I was always depressed. I felt lonely and complete emptiness even though I had all the support I needed from them.

So how and when did I realize it wasn’t worth it? How did I build up the courage to help the real me tear down the prison I had kept him in for so long? I was lost. I thought I had no one to go to. Even though my real friends were all around me rooting for me to find true happiness. I just didn’t know how to reach out to them. I was on one side of a chasm and they were on the other and there was no bridge. No visible way to cross to the other side.

I almost gave up. I almost continued to wear the mask and then one day I watched the movie I ♥ Huckabees. It opened my eyes. It explained so many questions I had about me and how to change. I connected with Jude Law’s character like he was me. He did things to keep people happy. He told stories to keep people happy. He did what he thought others wanted him to do rather than being himself. Then close to the end of the movie the line “How am I not myself?” was repeated over and over again. It was showing him he was wearing a mask. He was holding his own inner self hostage, just as I was. It hit me harder than anything else I have ever felt before. I knew I had to change things if I wanted to be happy; if I wanted to fill the void I constantly felt; to rid myself of the emptiness I felt in my life every day.

So I took steps. I started slowly. I moved to a new student ward and then never went; that way I wouldn’t be harassed by a bishop that already knew me. At first I felt guilty. I couldn’t believe I was doing this. I had gone to church for so long it felt awkward, as if I was cheating, but then I heard me from the inside tell me this was right. The small window in his prison that was opened allowed him to breathe. He wasn’t completely bottled up anymore. He could finally communicate with me. He gave me encouragement. He loved the feel of the fresh air on his face. The putrescence of the hole he was in was slowly going away and he would never let me put him in there alone again.

With each step forward another brick was removed. More fresh air was let in. He gained strength. I gained strength. Each week my emptiness was slowly disappearing. My depression was going away, but that is when my family and “friends” noticed my changes. They thought I was harming myself, that I was doing irreparable damage to my soul. So they tried to “fix and save” me. For a time I went back here and there. I went back because I was scared of losing the connections I had with them. So again the bricks went up. I was slowly building the prison again. I was torturing the me inside again, but this time he fought back. He wouldn’t allow me to suffocate him again. He knew what was best for me, but what was I supposed to do? I had little, if any support. Where could I turn? Who would help me?

I felt alone again. I almost went back. And then I met the one person who gave me more support than I could have ever asked for. He was there for me. He saw me through my darkest times. He listened to me. He helped me be strong. He gave me the support I needed. He helped me build the bridge to the other side of the chasm. He was there when I needed to cry to let out the rage I felt inside. He saved me and did more for me than he will ever know. His name is Josh. I consider him my “other” (a term from the movie I ♥ Huckabees). He was there through it all. He helped me dismantle.

I owe a lot of my happiness and completeness to him. He helped me see there was another way, that I did not have to destroy myself to make others happy. I could be myself and I did not have to wear the mask anymore. I no longer had to carry on the facade. I was able to fight back. With every step I took backward I was able to take two steps forward. He pushed me forward when I was about to give up. It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, but it was worth it. The biggest obstacles always come with the greatest and most fulfilling rewards. My rewards were my happiness, my completeness, and the world’s greatest friend.

And so started my journey to be myself. I gained confidence. I was able to stand up to my “friends” and family. I eventually let them know my real stance on faith and church and god. I had more strength than ever. I still battle them to this day. I lost some fights and lost many “friends,” but I never lost the war. I still have to defend my happiness to them, but my inner self is completely free. He no longer hides behind the walls I built around him. There are no longer two Jons. He is me and we are now one.

I couldn’t be happier. I couldn’t feel more complete. Every day is fulfilling. Every day I am reminded how being me is what gets me up in the morning. I am no longer getting up to make other people happy. I am getting up to make ME happy.

Thank you Josh...

Prayer of the faithful

Being a Mormon one of the things we were taught was you can always receive answers through prayer, but how does that work? We were always taught to question, to look for answers, and the way to receive those answers came through prayer. We were taught to never look for answers outside the faith, because you can always find your answer with prayer and the teachings of the prophets. But what is that answer and how do we know it is real? We were told it was a burning in your bosom. A warm tingly feeling that starts in your chest a carries to your entire body and the feeling of pure happiness and joy in your heart and mind.

I believed this at one point. I searched for answers, I prayed, but never received an answer. Why was that when I asked God with real intent, a sincere heart, having faith in Jesus Christ believing in the promise from the prophets and God, that I never received an answer? There was a time when I believed and I prayed for reconfirmation in my belief. I followed these steps, but I felt nothing, I felt completely emptiness, complete loneliness. I felt like there could not be anything out there.

So I went to the leaders of my local ward. The only answer I was given was maybe I wasn't ready for the answer. That God would give me the answer at the time I needed it, but if I'm asking to know if God exists and the church is true wouldn't right then be a good time to get an answer? Wouldn't God want me to know that he/she/it exists? Wouldn't God want me to believe in the one true church? I asked these questions, but again it came back that: a) I wasn't ready for the answer or: b) I didn't pray with real intent or a sincere enough heart. So I went back and followed the steps to get my prayers answered. I read from the Book of Mormon, I read the Bible. I pondered what they meant and I prayed. I kept praying and praying and praying and still no answer. Still the complete emptiness and loneliness. I felt nothing inside. I mean literally nothing, no emotions whatsoever. I did not feel happiness, anger, sadness, love; the only way I can describe it is if you could feel the color black. As if there was absolutely nothing in my heart and mind as if I was in a complete stupor, a vegetable lying on my bed.

I kept asking why was that? How long do I have to wait to receive an answer and then I fell upon the Book of Enos in the Book or Mormon. It's about a man who was in a similar situation as me. He was doubting his faith and decided to pray to God all night and he received an answer. I decided maybe I wasn't fervent enough in my prayers. So I decided to try what Enos did. I prayed like I never prayed before. I pleaded, I begged, I cried for an answer, but again I felt nothing but pure nothingness. It was if God was mocking me. As if God enjoyed watching me continue to plead and look for answers when in fact there was no God. How could God answer my prayers when God did not exist? Or maybe I was praying to the wrong God. Maybe I didn't receive an answer because my method was wrong, but it couldn't be. I found the same thing in the Bible. I found the same method. So if I was asking the right questions, but looking for the wrong answers wouldn't God answer me either way? Wouldn't God reach out in my time of sorrow, emptiness and loneliness to fill the hole in my body that was continuously growing larger and larger every time I didn't receive an answer?

If God was real he/she/it would have reached out to me, but God did not. I was left with complete loneliness that my believe in God had created. The belief of religion and God was only creating more sorrow and pain in my life, but I kept searching. I kept looking for answers. Then came the only thing that made sense to me that this loving God I was taught about my entire life either did not exist or did not care and I had to find the answer.

And so I took another step closer to Atheism....

Little bit of history

For starters, my name is Jon. I was raised Mormon. I lived in Utah my whole life and I still live in Utah. I served a full two year mission in Southern France. I did everything I was supposed to. I did everything in my life that was supposed to make me feel full and happy, but it was all a facade to appease my family.

A little over 2 years ago I came to a realization, that the one thing that was supposed to bring ultimate joy and happiness was bringing depression and loneliness. The harder I tried to follow the teachings of the faith the further I fell away from my real self; the me inside that was trying to escape. He kept trying to break down the walls I had created to keep him inside. And then one day it hit me (another blog to come), I had to help him tear down the walls. I had to take off the mask. I had to be who I was inside. It was killing me from the inside and the me inside was trying to escape from the pain and torment I was unleashing upon him. So I gave in. I stopped fighting. I stopped pretending and from that day forth I have never felt more free.

Each day is a new day. Each day I can smile and really mean it. I am allowed to show my emotions, I no longer have to pretend about who I really am! Yes, it was rough at first, but with every step backward I was able to take two steps forward. I was confronted by "concerned" family and friends. I was asked questions about why I had denied the God that I had once believed in. I remember one such friend, at the time, that asked, "what happened? Why do you no longer believe in God? Why have you given up on the faith of hope and happiness? Are you gay? Do you have an illegitimate child? Do you have an STD and you are too afraid to you confront your bishop?"

I felt betrayed and hurt. This person, my friend, my confidant who knew just about every secret I had; thought I had to have a better reason than, "I don't believe in God." That there had to be something else that was pushing me away from the one and only true church. After that we drifted further and further apart till I no longer kept in contact with him. Each one of my friends who were so ingrained in their faith, lost me as a friend. Each one has a similar story about how they wanted to "help me." How they thought they could bring me back and save my soul.

Which brings me to my next point.... Why did I leave the church? Other than the never ending guilt and sorrow, what was it about the faith that made me feel so defiant in my belief in God?

For me I taught and baptized people in this faith in France (only when I felt like it. My mission was more of a vacation and those that have seen my photos can attest to this statement). I professed to believe in God. I taught people of a loving, caring God when in all reality I never really believed. I went because it was either go on a mission or get kicked out of the house. I think most 19 year olds would pick 2 years in Southern France over living on the streets, even if you have to pretend you believe in something you really don't. And I wasn't wrong believing this. I would guess at least 1 in 5 missionaries in my mission were on their mission for the same reason I was, because they did not want to bring shame to themselves and their family. The guilt was a stronger driving force than our own happiness.

As I was on my mission and studied more of the Gospel than I ever have before it hit me more and more why I did not believe. There were so many contradictions in the teachings of God. I couldn't believe in a God of love who was so racist, sexist, angry, jealous, abusive, prideful, etc... God was everything he told us not to be. God was the biggest hypocrite ever imagined. And the more I studied the more repulsed I became of this God, but I continued to hide my true beliefs of how I saw God. So I started studying more. I said, "ok, there are billions of people with a belief in some form of a God. Are any of the Gods real?"

The more I studied other religions, the more I realized it was the same God with just a different name, a different body, a different form. He/She/It became more of a pacifier for adults who could not explain what they thought to be the unexplainable. For me it became a pacifier for laziness and stupidity. So instead of turning to religion for my answers and to a God who did not listen to my prayers (another blog to come), I started to turn to science and agnosticism. I didn't fully give up the believe in God I just had no proof. I also had no proof that God did not exist so agnosticism set in.

The more I delved into science, our understanding of the universe, life, how we began, and that our planet is not 6000 years old; I became more and more doubtful as to who this thing God is or if it even existed. And so began my journey into Atheism....

To Be Continued....